I'm ok.

That is an intentional period at the end of the title.  I'm ok.  That's all I've got right now.  If it weren't for friends, a great workout, and a nice hot shower I don't know how I would have soldiered through today.  My child has hit the terrible two's with a vengeance.  And it's just me.  I don't get to say you handle her for the night.  It's just her and me all day, every day.  Today was a bad day.  She wouldn't stop screaming and crying.  I get that she's frustrated because she doesn't know the words to say what she's thinking. She doesn't know how to get her point across any way other than to cry and whine Mommy, mommy, mommy over and over again.  It was horrible.  I tried changing venues, I tried giving her dinner, I tried reading to her, she sat in time-out.  Finally I gave up and put her to bed.  And poured a glass of wine.

It's 3am and I'm lonely

I work out with an amazing group of women.  They are supportive, competitive, and most are also Army wives.  This last week two of them had their husbands come back from deployments.  I have wrestled for three days now with the disappointment that my husband isn't coming home anytime soon.  I stare at their updates and reunion pictures with such jealousy.  Over and over when I hear a weird noise in the middle of the night, I pray it's him coming home.  "Surprise!  They let me come back early." 

When you're depressed and exhausted and desperately need a hug and a shoulder to cry on, 3am is not the time to phone a friend.  I tried that once.  I spent the phone call assuring them no one was dead or dying.

I sat in bed this morning, after sleeping for 3 hours, asking myself what was the purpose in going to workout? I'm not trying out for the Olympics, there is no body building competitions in my future.  I don't have another race till September.  I was tired and sore.  But I got out of bed, and got K and I to the other place she refers to as home.  The workouts are so tough, I have to focus and think so hard, that for about an hour I can ignore the rest of my life.  That's why I go.

After pushing myself through another crazy WOD I sat down next to one of the wives who's husband just got back.  She gave me a hug and told me it's ok to be angry, sad and just want to cry.  I spend so much time being strong for K, for J, for our families, for our friends.  When I can't be strong anymore, I don't always know where to turn.  I didn't have a place to go at 3, but around 10 I found the comfort I needed.

Staying up past my bedtime

The time difference between my hubby and I is eight and half hours.  When I'm finishing up at the gym in the morning, he's getting ready to go to bed.

Lately we've fallen into a routine where we email back and forth when he first gets up.  I lay in bed around 11:30 each night hoping to hear my phone signal I have an email.  Some nights all I get is a one liner saying he loves me and has a meeting.  Some nights we go back and forth for an hour or more trading ideas about new kitchen appliances and where we want to head on the next vacation (Prague is at the top of the list currently).

I look forward to these emails even more than the occassional skype calls we get.  It seems more natural, less of a performance.  I spend most of the skype time trying to keep K interested.  And to see him is a physical reminder of just how far away he is.  You see him in camo in a tent and there is no way to pretend he's just out in the field for a few days.

Sort-of, kind-of Paleo

That's the best way I can describe where I've ended up after my husband has been gone for a few months.  My husband and I make dinner from scratch close to 90% of the time.  When he leaves I go from having no desire to cook to thinking I can make what I want to eat so I should take advantage.

I have heard the words paleo and clean thrown around on facebook and on the magazines near the checkouts.  I've read hear and there and realized that without intentionally trying, I eat a clean diet.  When K started having digestive difficulties we switched to almond milk, added more fruits and vegetables and became more aware of food labels. 

When I started a crossfit style workout in March there was a lot of talk about eating paleo.  On a whim I stopped eating bread and pasta and noticed immediately how much I leaned out.  My digestive issues that were frequently a problem disappeared.

Where I've ended up is a focus on making all our meals from scratch.  I've moved away from white flour and sugars and eliminated pasta, rice, bread, and grains.  I read labels closely to prevent any sneaky sugars in.  But I drink wine, I use sea salt, and I just can't break my greek yogurt addiction.

As far as the kiddo goes, I do make her the occasional bowl of mac and cheese (the commercial crap, there's something about fake yellow cheese that makes her go nuts). On-the-go snacks are where I'd like to do better.  It's just easier to buy a 9 pack of goldfish crackers than to make my own protein bars for her to munch on.  Some days she refuses to eat the healthy stuff, and since she has always been on the skinny, tiny side I am constantly concerned that she's not eating enough.  I won't get into my rant that the percentiles are based on a good majority of kids who eat horrible processed diets and are therefore bigger.  That's for another post.